By Maxime Lagacé
Maxime is the founder and chief editor of WisdomQuotes. He has been collecting quotes since 2004. His goal? To help you develop a calm, powerful, and peaceful mind. Learn more about him on his about page.
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Here are 100 of the best funny quotes I could find.
The goal?
To make you relax, laugh, and have a good time! 😂
Life is short and the happiest people are those who live lightly (with a smile on their hearts).
You’ll discover quotes by Bill Murray, Tina Fey, Jim Carrey, and more.
Enjoy!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright
Related
- 55 Joy Quotes To Lift Your Mood (Even More)
- 75 Inspiring Quotes About Living In The Present Moment
- 100 Smile Quotes To Make Your Day Better 😊
A few quick thoughts on fun and laughing…
Isn’t it great when you have a truly good laugh?
Don’t you have the impression that time stops and you’re 100% in the moment, appreciating it?
With the seriousness and busyness of modern life, it’s too easy to forget the importance and benefits of relaxing, chilling, and having fun with friends.
Most of us, myself included, are always living the next-thing-next-thing-next-thing, without stopping.
Now,
I invite you to STOP, take a break, and enjoy a funny video or show of one of your favorite comedian.
The Best Funny Quotes
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
I don’t understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don’t bother no one. Mike Tyson (Source)
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)
I would rather lose you than the argument. Unknown
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. Unknown
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
Part 2. Funny Quotes That ARE…
Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines
One-liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts, and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, and backgrounds.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers
When nothing is going right, go left. Unknown
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers
Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso
Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
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All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain
There are two rules in life: 1) Never give out all the information. Unknown
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg
You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey (wikipedia.org)
We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’? Unknown
Not texting back is only ok when I do it. Unknown
Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. Unknown
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time. Unknown
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking. Unknown
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker (twitter.com)
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. Unknown
My brain has too many tabs open. Unknown
Everyone says to follow your dreams, so I went back to bed. Unknown
Offering someone food, and secretly hoping, they don’t want it. Unknown
I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes. Unknown
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers (marieclaire.co.uk)
Funny Quotes From Pinterest, Reddit, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Unknown
Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time. Unknown
I believe in annoyed at first sight. Unknown
I hate when people set alarms and it wakes up everybody except for them. Unknown
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice. Pakalu Papito (Source)
If you are hotter than me it means I’m cooler than you. Pakalu Papito
Everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it. Unknown
I just refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good to watch. Unknown
You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am. TextsFromLastNight
Related: 7 Reasons Why Laughter Makes You More Productive (lifehack.org)
I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are. Matt Bellassai (Source)
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge. Unknown
I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode. Unknown
Laptops become possessed with slowness when they see that you are in a hurry. Unknown
“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla (Source)
In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla
Parents be like “don’t believe everything you see on the internet” then believe everything they see on Facebook. Unknown
I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. #FitnessGoals Bill Burr (Source)
Funny Sayings, Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines, And Sarcastic Sayings
You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz
Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield
Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister
Here’s a quick anti-aging trick: die. Unknown
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. Unknown
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright
Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no. Unknown
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too. Unknown
Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late. Unknown
I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis (wikipedia.org)
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis
Conclusion
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin
Let’s recap:
- Here are 5 simple benefits of laughter, fun, and humor:
Further Readings
- Topic: Happiness
- 81 Happiness Quotes That Will Light Up Your Day 😄
- 165 Good Morning Quotes, Images, Wishes, Messages
- 115 Beautiful Quotes To Remind You What Beauty Truly Is
- 100 Gratitude Quotes To Make You More Thankful
- 77 Zen Quotes To Bring Stillness Into Your Life
- 30 Fun Things to Do at Home (lifehack.org)
- 100 Mental Health Quotes To Comfort, Encourage, Inspire
- How To Improve Your Mental Health – 36 Wellness Tips
- How To Be Happy: The 6 Happiness Pillars You Must Know
Hope you enjoyed these funny quotes and that you laugh a few times throughout the page.
If you did like the quotes, please share them with a friend today!
What’s your favorite funny quote, author, and video? And remember: words can transform your life, if you find the right ones.
Table Of Contents
Part 1
Top 15 Images
Best Quotes
Part 2
Funny Quotes That ARE
Short
Self-Deprecating
From Social Media
Quirky
Part 3
Conclusion