Here are 170 of the best funny quotes I could find. The goal? To make you relax, laugh and have a good time. Enjoy!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright Click to tweet
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb Click to tweet
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Unknown Click to tweet
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg Click to tweet
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray Click to tweet
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright Click to tweet
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright Click to tweet
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin Click to tweet
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir Click to tweet
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde Click to tweet
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray Click to tweet
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain Click to tweet
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright Click to tweet
The Best Funny Quotes
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. Click to tweet
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright Click to tweet
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain
Part 2. Funny Quotes That ARE…
Short Funny Quotes And Humorous Lines
One-liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. Joan Rivers Click to tweet
When nothing is going right, go left.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers
Sane is boring. R.A. Salvatore
I’m addicted to placebos. Steven Wright Click to tweet
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. Pablo Picasso
Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
All generalizations are false, including this one. Mark Twain
What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mitch Hedberg
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
More short quotes
Funny Quotes That Are Self-Deprecating
My life feels like a test I didn’t study for. Click to tweet
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Unknown
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking. Click to tweet
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. Danny Zuker (twitter.com)
Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers (marieclaire.co.uk)
Funny Quotes From Pinterest, Reddit, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Click to tweet
Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are. Matt Bellassai (twitter.com)
“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla (twitter.com)
In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. Aparna Nancherla
You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am. TextsFromLastNight (twitter.com)
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.
I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.
I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. #FitnessGoals Bill Burr (twitter.com)
What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
Funny Sayings, Twisted Humor, Quirky Lines And Sarcastic Sayings
You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz
Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield Click to tweet
Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. Beth McCollister
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield Click to tweet
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright
Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
Part 3. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever
Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. Bill Murray
People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray
There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments. Chris Rock (en.wikiquote.org)
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock
If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. Chris Rock
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Chris Rock
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. Chris Rock Click to tweet
What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything. Chris Rock
They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Dave Chappelle (azquotes.com)
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you. Dave Chappelle
Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through. Dave Chappelle
A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it. Jerry Seinfeld (vagabomb.com)
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. Jerry Seinfeld
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld
Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music. Jim Carrey
I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person. Jim Carrey
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. Jim Carrey
The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. Jimmy Fallon (scoopwhoop.com)
Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. Jimmy Fallon
If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice. Jimmy Fallon
I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ Jimmy Fallon
I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. Jimmy Fallon
I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jimmy Fallon
I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ Jimmy Fallon
Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Jimmy Fallon
Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food. Jimmy Fallon
Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. Jimmy Fallon Click to tweet
I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. Kevin Hart (fearlessmotivation.com)
These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask. Kevin Hart
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart
Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody. Kevin Hart (YouTube video)
First off, my kids know I’m a big deal. Kevin Hart (YouTube video)
If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. Kevin Hart
Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone. Louis C.K. (thoughtcatalog.com)
Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up. Louis C.K.
There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars. Louis C.K.
“Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.
Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face. Louis C.K.
I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’. Louis C.K.
Of course, if you are fighting for your country and get shot or hurt, it is a terrible tragedy. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault. Louis C.K.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C.K.
It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. Louis C.K.
Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Louis C.K. Click to tweet
Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right. Ricky Gervais (bbcamerica.com)
You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Ricky Gervais
The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’. Ricky Gervais
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. Ricky Gervais
Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Ricky Gervais
Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks. Ricky Gervais
Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better. Ricky Gervais Click to tweet
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams
Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
What would you say to your barber? I’m really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone? Ryan Reynolds (twitter.com)
Anyone know the number to 911? Ryan Reynolds
Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing. Ryan Reynolds
Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. Ryan Reynolds
Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows. Ryan Reynolds
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Ryan Reynolds
If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been. Ryan Reynolds
We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds. Ryan Reynolds Click to tweet
Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. Tina Fey (buzzfeed.com)
I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone. Tina Fey
Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years. Tina Fey
Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion. Tina Fey Click to tweet
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. Tina Fey
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss. Tina Fey
What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do. Tina Fey
Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward. Tina Fey
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV. Tina Fey
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis (jokes4us.com)
I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean. Zach Galifianakis
I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name. Zach Galifianakis
When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there. Zach Galifianakis
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing. Zach Galifianakis
I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’. Zach Galifianakis
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’ Zach Galifianakis
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis Click to tweet
Zach, To Brad Pitt: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? Brad: Why? Zack: Because you live in your wife’s shadow (Angelina Jolie in 2014). Zach Galifianakis (YouTube video)
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis
Part 3. Conclusion
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin Click to tweet
Call to action: Read 7 Reasons Why Laughter Makes You More Productive (lifehack.org)
Hope you enjoyed these funny quotes. If you did, please share them with a friend today!
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